our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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