the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
