He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Houston, we have a blender
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize