You're completely useless in the revolution.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
