Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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