Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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