Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
