life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
