I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
