Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
