every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
