RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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