Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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