Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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