Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
