omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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