I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
