Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
