I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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