Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
