Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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