Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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