I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
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