Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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