I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
