he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
