Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
