I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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