so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
