Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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