Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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