just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Still dying that you shit outside
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
