thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
