Well douche your snatch and let's go!
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
COCAINE IS GR8
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
