God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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