thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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