Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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