i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
