I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Can you bring me the toilet please
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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