I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
