don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
