I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
The feeling are messing with the penis
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
