If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
