You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
