I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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