That's when you crack a 10am beer
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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