Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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