I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
