my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
