Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
