I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
