So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
