I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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