Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
