Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
