dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
