why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
