Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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